I know it's been a while since I posted and I'm sorry to come back on such a somber note but I feel like there's some things I need to write down and get off my chest.
What a sick bit of irony that is...
13 years ago my mom had a brain aneurysm.
I remember when I found out, and when I was sitting in the hospital, and when I was waiting at home that mostly I just felt scared. I was 11 at the time and didn't really understand words like hemorrhaging, aneurysm, neurological surgeon. I remember getting out my children's picture dictionary and looking up the words to try and understand what it all meant and what was happening hoping to find some comfort or reassurance but mostly I was just scared. Scared that I would lose my mom.
Three weeks ago I went to an appointment with my mom to have her biopsy results read to us and at that appointment we were told that she has breast cancer. Two weeks ago she had a mastectomy on her right breast.
Once again I find myself hearing adults and doctors and other people using long, unfamiliar words and I am reminded of that fear I felt 13 years ago. I feel like I'm 11 years old again. I feel small and scared and I don't know what's going to happen.
The surgery went well although it was more extensive than they had originally thought and we have a plan for further treatment, but when the doctor talked to us after the surgery she expressed some concerns about the cancer metastasizing which is a big scary word for spreading that fills me with dread.
I feel kind of lost, like maybe I'm floating or I'm numb. Words people use to describe non-feelings, but none of them really seem to be right. I don't think there is one right word to describe how I'm feeling. Scared for sure, that's a definite one but it's more than that. I feel confused and unsure and helpless and I hate feeling all of those things. But one thing that I feel is coming up stronger than all of those is anger. I hate this stupid cancer and I'm mad at it for invading my mom's body and I'm kind of mad at God because we've been down this road before where I had to sit in a waiting room while my mom was in surgery for a life-threatening situation and here we are again. I'm mad at life for being so unfair and I'm mad because I feel helpless, because I feel scared, because I feel confused.
I would like to say that this anger is making me stronger. That it's going to make me a better fighter and soldier for my mom in this battle against cancer. But right now it's not making me feel stronger, it's making me feel smaller.
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